breaking point

i’m giving some major life updates tonight because i feel like going on a tangent.

1. my dad went to the hospital 2 or 3 times recently and we got more bad news
2. our weenie pup got IVDD (half paralyzed)
3. stress is high and i’m fighting to not drift into psychosis again

it’s just so easy to slip. if i ease up and stop fighting to keep my mind steady for one second i’ll start going into a daze and suddenly nothing feels real and my sanity begin to morph and disintegrate. sometimes this happens between the time from when i get tired to when i fall asleep, in my dreams, when im under the influence, and when im cracking under high stress and tension. it’s all apart of my schizophrenia- well my specific variation of it. there’s so much to worry about and so much to despair over. how do we keep our hope intact when everything around me goes to hell? is it me? am i plaguing them by being around?

surprisingly? i don’t want to relapse. it was so life changing getting sober and after being around my parents so intricately i don’t want to do a single thing that makes anything worse then it already is. i want to help. i want to make things better. i’m trying and i'm not giving up yet, i’ve been wasting my life away for so long that i'm finally ready to start living.

i'm coming back to this after months of taking a break so heres my new life updates

1. i got put on a 5150 hold then got transferred to a long term psychiatric care center

2. i ran away and escaped three days ago

3. i'm not happy to be home

TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal ideation and attempts/// self harm

i thought it was the end

i thought it was the fourth of july

i slipped. what started as a tear drop ended as a thunder storm and the walls came caving in when the bricks i've formed gently out of fear came crashing down. i was vulnerable and weak like an embryo. i had not been so alone, i thought, since kicking in the womb. i drank so much tea i wrote my letters in kanji, around the block i walked and walked pretending you were with me. not wanting to die out here, without you. i couldn't take it anymore, something had to be done. i was pacing and panting and racing because i knew what was coming and there was nothing i could do to stop it. the pain only grew. as soon as i knew it i was back to cutting when i thought i made so much space in time from the last time that it would never catch up to me again. it's the pain. the unbearable gut wrenching pain in my heart that never goes away. it feels like every loss i've ever had has been playing memories in the back of my mind driving me inside. then i start to see them randomly through hallucinations because i can't accept it. then it's all i ever think about. i think i thought i deserved to hurt, even to die. and i can't do it anymore. there's so much pain and no hope in sight. nobody is coming to save me. it was time to go.

you know what your problem is? you can never let go.

you're right.

i took pills and left. a few days later i woke up. i had blacked out for a few days. but i woke up. i had to complete a 5150 hold, then was transferred to a long term psychiatric care facility. it was very rough. a lot of pain from my past came up that was in the back of my head i felt it all the time except i didn't fully realize it was there. my new friends helped me every time, we all helped each other. i wanted to come home changed with a will to live but it didn't happen. i had to leave early because of a violent man in the home that was not only a threat to everyones safety but was constantly triggering everyone all. day. long. many of us told the staff but they couldn't do anything because he didn't actually say "i am going to hurt you" only hinted around it so apparently they couldn't do anything. i was scared he was going to come into my room. so i had to leave. it didn't feel good to be home either. i wish i stayed.

mood: psychologically tortured 😪

                                                                     girl, interrupted 

i watched naruto shippuden and it changed my life. like actually changed my life. it was all i would talk about for months. i still watch edits and rewatch my favorite battles. my favorite battles are naruto vs sasuke (final battle) and kakashi vs obito (final battle). my favorite characters are gaara and obito. i probably have more but i'd have to think about it. those are the major two. i realized i don't really care for any of the female characters. not in a misogynistic way but in a "i don't relate to these characters" way. in my opinion the main message about naruto shippuden is about hatred and forgiveness. it is mainly applied to war about revenge and forgiveness or really, understanding. 

in naruto this is expressed through the Pain ark. pain (nagato, yahiko, and konan) grew up in a small village crowded by large countries at war, therefore their home ended up as the battle ground. the ninja of the bigger countries ravaged their homes, people, and land leaving everyone poor, alone, and hungry. while the larger nations stabilized, their small village barely survived. the kicker is that naruto's village which had grown too numerous forced these large countries to wage war against eachother and profited from it so their large numbers wouldn't starve. pain wanted justice against the leaf village and got it. then naruto wanted justice against pain. which pain described as the "cycle of hatred". 

this can apply to wars today such as israel vs palestine, but i like to look deeper then that and apply it to us; the common person. the cycle of hatred is shown throughout war but it starts with us in our relationships. i've been deeply, deeply, hurt by everyone i know and for some i harbor anger but others only immense sadness. so many times i wanted to make them feel how i feel but once, when i tried it, only made me feel a worse level of remorse and guilt i still haven't gotten over today. clouded by big feelings you think you want revenge disguised as justice or to make them feel bad about what they did to you because as far as you know, they don't care. they hurt you and they moved on. they don't care. and you want them to, so badly, you wish they would care so you create plans in your head about how to make they feel because of what they did to you. but let me tell you how that goes. if you try to hurt them it'll only give them more reason to dislike you and distance themselves from you more and now they really wont feel bad about it because in their head it's justified now. you'll never see them again. 

in naruto shippuden if i remember correctly he told pain "i can't forgive you" because it's not an easy task but he knows that no matter how much pain he has to endure he won't let it change who he is and what he believes in. if you can't forgive you can still understand. and that is the reoccurring message of naruto.

                                                                  obito uchiha

i finally watched Sinners and it was such a good movie it was everything i hoped it would be. i waited patiently for so long to watch it and i stumbled upon it on Hbo Max (i include hbo as apart of Max because my partners name is max and i get confused) and watched it as soon as i could. i only wish i would've made popcorn! even tho no popcorn beats movie theater popcorn. i watched it later then most people so i still need to catch up on how everyone feels about the characters, story, and representation of black history. i have seen a few deep analysis' made about specific characters and perspectives in the movie like the representation of chinese-americans in segregated towns and the bringing of a white woman raised in the black community, but still white. 

rate: 10/10

recently watched

-sinners

-the black klansman

-madame claude

-showgirls

-and just like that

can't remember any more

on my watchlist

-the wolf house

-funeral parade of roses

-all about lily chou-chou

-paris, texas

-donnie darko

thank you for reading