lady grinning soul

has anybody ever listened to the David Bowie song called lady grinning soul? it's a truly magical song that spiritually sweeps you off your feet and sends you on a journey where you can see through his glassy eyes and feel his ached heart. i think the best part about lyrics and musical interpretation is that you can turn it into a story that relates to you. so then, tell me, what does this mean to you?

she'll come, she'll go

she'll lay belief on you

skin sweet with musky odor

the lady from another grinning soul

cologne she'll wear

silver and americard

she'll drive a beetle car

and beat you down at cool canasta

and when the clothes are strewn

don't be afraid of the room

touch the fullness of her breast

feel the love of her caress

she will be your living end

she will be your living end

there's a certain aura of nostalgia around everything i did or listened to consistently back in 2021. maybe i was just 18 and hitting that sweet age or maybe its the first year i ever truly lived. things haven't really been the same since but because of irreversible mistakes i've made that permanently damaged my mental health. i guess you could call this my backstory because it’s how i ended up the way i am today.

i had been having an extremely rough time ever since i got home from the psych ward for giving up on myself. it was months of relentless depression, SH, and heart break from lovers. i saw videos about psychedelics and how they can reprogram your brain to get rid of bad habits and depression, or how they can give you a reawakening. so silly me i bought some acid and took it alone in the dark with my colored lights and tv programs/live music videos. i usually would do drugs alone because i wouldn’t be able to relax and kick back in my mind if i was around others. doing it alone was the first mistake i didn’t know what to expect i jumped the gun and didn’t prepare. i was having a good time with my media until the power went out, then things started to get tricky. my head started hurting and it felt like something was rushing into the veins of my brain, i’ll never forget the feeling, and by the morning i was in psychosis. it took me a couple weeks to figure out i was in psychosis as it progressively got worse but the psychosis never really went away. it changed and went through different forms and versions but i remain, ever high, ever schizo-affective. if anyone wants to know the story of my first psychosis comment below and i’ll make an effort to tell it.

some wonder, what does it feel like to have schizophrenia? well, have you ever had a bad trip? (any form but mainly a bad weed trip?) well it feels like that but it never ends, and it’s every day.

to be changed

is to be torn apart

by tooth and nail

and with sutures

rearranged

a little poem by me

i hate change. i’m honestly the worst person to go through change. i feel like i go through thorough changes every month and constantly go through different personality changes. it is my curse as it is my weapon.

some weekly updates:

-i found this new show that i cannot get enough of. its called What We Do In The Shadows. the new season just got released at the beginning of this month and it’s the 6th and last season so get on it! it’s a “mockumentary” of ancient vampires living in modern times. it’s hilarious! i can’t stop laughing when i watch it and it has gothic tones so it’s like the best of both worlds!

-I came up with an idea for a new manuscript but i can’t seem to get in the writing mood and when i write it doesn’t have my special touch it’s just plain basic. i need to rewrite the whole story. essentially its following the life of a young women who’s living in a long term residency in an old psych ward. she has severe schizophrenia who dreams her days away with visions and hallucinations when she’s not creating art or playing piano, convinced she has to finish her life’s work as an artist before she completely loses her mind. very dark themes i know, but i am very dark minded. i think it’s interesting.

-i’m starting a youtube channel! it’s going to be all about history, occult studies, art/writing/literature, daily life vlogs, and more all in the style of the 2000s! i ordered a working sony camcorder that should be arriving any day. other then that i’ve been topping off my history knowledge so i can deep dive into lessons for some videos and found a mini microphone for the iphone. if anyone has any video ideas i can make, please let me know i’m in much need of ideas!

‘till next time lovers

jane out!