moonlight lingerie thoughts

i rose from the mud and was forged by the flames of amatory despair cradled with only my melancholy

-soft words from me

my page of self reflection

lately i’ve been attempting acts of soul searching. i have these ideas

and perceptions in my head that i don’t consciously realize i can actually do and work towards them in real time.

for example i haven’t been able to write decent poetry since i got sober last october (2023) and i don’t know if i’ll ever get it back. i used to have the special touch where i could whip out a life changing poem in under 5 minutes. its difficult now. my brain is so damaged that its hard to come up with and remember the right words.

well i recently realized that i’m not actually doing anything to work towards getting better at poetry again. i’m not necessarily practicing i suppose i gave up and didn’t consciously realize it. it’s the little things like this. now i know i need a rude awakening.

i always thought that you find out who you are constantly throughout your life because the only constant is change. well i recently took notice of some satanic witches that went through “godhead” and found out exactly who they are without a shadow of doubt.

i’ve been researching and trying to find a specific magical practice that i can place myself in and it doesn’t exactly come up on google. my first thoughts were around folk magic and the ideation around knowing the history of the land you live in but i live in america, a relatively new country with mainly a history of closed practices.

then i found ancient sorcery focused around ancient egypt, rome, and greece. i loved the foundation of this and felt like it would be so much more effective and fun than new age magical practices. i really want to set down roots in this area but i don’t feel completely connected to it.

maybe the problem isn’t what i feel connected to but that i’m not even connected to myself. i don’t really know who i am mainly because most of my thoughts aren’t my own and i end up not knowing how i truly feel about something because of the misleading thoughts that i have.

i want to look inward but i don’t know how. how do i look inward and what do i do? i suppose the kind of person i am is the kind that isn’t afraid of change. i suffer from severe nostalgia so i’m more likely to long for the past but when it’s about matters of the self i’m absolutely not afraid of change. i’m constantly changing inside and out. that’s the kind of person i am.

i’m kind and i care about other people and about what they think. i’m fast to put myself in others shoes when they mess up but i’m not afraid to call someone out when they are being stupid. i’m creative and i don’t like to sit still i like to constantly create.

i’m sweet, melanacholic, if i had a taste it would be sweet lavender ice cream. i like wildflowers and pomegranates. i listen to french music and metal. i wear mittens when i’m getting creative. my best friend is my kitten ashley. etc. etc.

i want a direction to head in and i want to bring all my passions with me. i’m going to heard towards learning how to write poetry again. i’m going to keep studying ancient magick while i find other schools of magic to see if i connect to another as well.

between you and me i just recently turned to christ and it saved my life. but in my heart of hearts i am a witch and i will always be a witch no matter how hard i try to suppress it due to environmental factors. i love god. but it’s really out of my hands. i’m guilt ridden when i think about leaving him behind and betraying him but now that i’m older i want to look into goddess lilith. i’ve been wanting to worship her since i was 15. i’m 21 now. it’s time to stop being afraid and uncertain and time to start taking leaps towards what i truly want.

thank you for listening to my rant, i needed to write this to find out what i really want.