pink elephants

i don’t know if i can ever recover from this madness flooding through me. i feel so sick and disgusting. i’ve caught a case of pink elephants and i’m bed ridden. how did this happen?

it started with a small obsession with old hollywood, old french films, and the 1920s. i wanted to be remade in the image of the greats. marilyn monroe, audrey hepburn, liz taylor, etc. i want the class, the elegance, the fashion. i’m such a hot mess and feel too ugly/upset to operate but when i see these women in action, i notice how they always “have it together”. they are so collected and structured all the while handling fame and the public not even mentioning the clothes and the fashion, it’s everything i wish i was.

i was watching rupaul’s drag race when i noticed sharon needles wearing this fancy scarf wrapped around her face in such high class fashion

sharon needles was instantly my favorite queen and i haven’t seen another like her besides jinkxs monsoon whom i also adore deeply. i began trying to find what style she wore this scarf in with tutorials so i can wear it myself and the closest i found was the fancy 1920s turbans (with a center jewel).

so i went out of my way to find something i could style or create in a way that is flattering and found cheap options and expensive options. here’s an example of an expensive option:

however i have some bills to pay so i saved it for later. it wasn’t just the turban i was browsing for, it was old hollywood gowns, jewelry and (faux) furs, and 20s flapper dresses and accessories. i stumbled upon this video of a lady from the golden age who said the gals would leave the house and come back with their hair cut short while wearing long square garments with a masculine shape. it was just the high school thing for girls to do! it was empowering to be a feminist!

i love this look! i need to learn how to sew clothes on a sewing machine so i could make whatever i want like garments such as these. i feel so androgynous as a human and the idea of having a masc style dress with finger wave hair is the fashion style of a lifetime.

i stumbled upon a video of a medium spiritualist saying that your passed loved ones are with you and are watching over you. as a schizophrenic who lost her best friend this lead me down a curious rabbit hole about mediums, how to speak to passed loved ones, and where do they go once they die?

so eventually i saw that the easiest ways to speak to them is through a trance meditative state involving simply speaking out-loud to them as if they were right beside you and focusing on your third eye while calling them forth. the second was through divination such as tarot cards, ouija boards, triangle enodia/brimo board, crystal balls, as well as several scrying methods.

i wanted to talk to my friend. i started with tarot cards. i got precise answers to the questions i asked even though it wasn’t the answer i really wanted. it still felt good to know that my tarot cards understand and are accurate. i started getting really good at it and im going to practice more often now.

i ordered a special edition lilith/lucifer ouija board that has yet to arrive so i will update when i try it. since junior year of high school, years and years ago, i’ve wanted to work with lilith. i tried to get my grandma to order me a book on demonology and obviously she said no and freaked out, but now im realizing that i was always called to work with infernals. i’ve been researching about satanism, daemonaltry, and the greek magical papyri and i’m loving it.

but tonight i lost my mind. i can’t stop thinking about my friend’s spirit watching over my every move like a hawk and reading my every thought and with that combined with all the stress my body has been going through because of insomnia and depression i finally snapped. i heard a song that related to him and i snapped. (happiness by dance gavin dance)

it started with a voicemail. i called my late friends number and to my surprise someone answered. i told them that i don’t know who this is but this used to be my best friends number before he passes away.he said something mean and hung up. then began the weeping, then talking to myself/nothing, banging my head when i thought of something i didn’t want to think about, rocking back and forth whimpering, pacing around the room talking myself out of it, talking outloud (as if to my friend) apologizing in tears, waking up my mother and crying on her bed and much much more. it had been building up for a while. i couldn’t bear the screaming inside my mind and body begging for everything to stop for one second, just one quiet second. i see pink elephants when i close my eyes, a beautifully horrid sight.

as a weeping hysterical woman i bid you farewell for now, until next time!

my tarot card deck is set: the black tarot by victoria ida / da brigh