deep blue

 it's almost Christmas and i haven't done much of what i thought i was going to do. you see something happened to me. something crazy. i haven't felt the same since. i went into psychosis, a serious episode, mainly about my late best friend who i will not name here for it is too sacred. surprisingly i haven't relapsed over it so that's good news. but i've been having horrible life-like nightmares, horrors like the world have never seen, and i wake up even more tired than before.

(the wall movie, pink floyd)

the story is one of my best friends passed away tragically and i wasn't there to help him. sometimes i go through bad months of grieving other times i go into psychosis about it- delusional, i know. but that's exactly what it is. a schizo affective's delusion. it was like a bug that slowly ate at my brain slowly eroding my sanity until i finally snapped. i had to sleep on the floor of my parent's room for a few nights because i was absolutely terrified of myself and my beliefs. i'm starting to grow into my diagnosis so to say. in the schizophrenic world the word splitting means a split in ones reality. i get these splits several times a day. however in the borderline personality's world splitting means to radically view someone as all bad or all good as a defense mechanism for fear of abandonment. schizoaffective's also get this. i get this. and the guilt afterwards is incredible. i ruined christmas eve with my lover's family because i needed him more and wanted him to rescue me from my terrible family gathering. i shouldn't have tried to take him away from his family i just needed him more. there's no excuse. i shouldn't have drank. i'm over a year sober from fentanyl and i drank. it didn't feel good at all. in fact i went in my cousins room just to cry. i feel so broken inside. traumatized. im haunted by everyone who's left me. hurt me. bullied me. because inside of me is a sweet girl who loves far too much then she should who just wants someone to take care of her. someone to love.

i've been developing myself spiritually. i've risen a few levels in the base of my knowledge and understanding. lately it's been hard to find anything to believe in. it's been hard to believe at all. my wisdom teeth are coming in. there's probably something really poetic about that. there's something special about authenticity. when actions, thoughts and emotions are rooted in trauma it leads to inauthenticity. i'm hyper aware of myself in all that i am so i know the wounds i have within myself that need attention. i used to be scared to face myself. i used to do anything i could to run away from myself because i thought the world would end if i ever had to be alone. it's tough out here as a schizo. specific triggers make me hallucinate like being in the dark, or sitting in silence, or being alone. so that's why i was scared. but once i actually started spending time with myself and enjoying my own company i ended up finding more peace from within. i wasn't scared anymore, it wasn't as bad as the initial fear. i learned something that day. that i honestly don't know shit.

first lesson is that your spiritual journey is lifelong. after that you just try your best to learn the lessons that are brought your way by you yourself on a subconscious level to awaken new feelings and realities that bring you closer to your best self. your higher self. these lessons act as a catalyst to teach you lessons you need to know. the conquering lion shall break every chain. be kinder to yourself, you deserve it. i'm still trying to learn this myself. i have no self esteem and hate myself so every day i'm practicing being gentler to myself a little more every day until i can say i love myself. sometimes i do. it's not like there's anyone else even remotely similar to me so mind as well soak up the glory. it's rough when you blame your best friends death on yourself. the guilt washes over me. working progress. it's always gonna be a working progress and that's the amazing part of it because you always have a chance to get better as long as your alive. i wish i didn't take my life for granted the way i do when all my issues and problems get the best of me. i miss my friend every day. i don't want anyone to find out i'm still grieving because they'd just tell me to get over it. it's almost been a year now. i try not to think about it but maybe that's exactly what i should be doing. it's just that it's a touchy topic because i go into psychosis and get delusional about it. i'm in psychosis now, i have to go.

depollute me, pretty baby

suck the rot right out of my bloodstream

oh, dilute me, gentle angel

water down what i call being grateful

oh, you kissed me just to kiss me

not to take me home

it was simple, it was sweetness

it was good to know

you look perfect, you look different

i don't wonder about your indifference

if i said you could never touch me 

you'd come over and say i looked lovely

oh you kissed me just to kiss me

not to make me cry

it was simple, you are sweetness

let's just sit a while

depollute me gentle angel

and i'll feel the sickness less and less

come and kiss me, pretty baby

like we'll never have sex