rouge de rage

do you ever feel divine? as if you are so much more then what you are supposed to be? maybe i was never meant to be average, maybe i was always meant for greatness. i feel like more. 

its hard for me to make up words sometimes. i'm constantly idle and blank but at the same time have constant voices and noise in my head. i never feel safe. i always have so much fear in my heart. there's so many things to be scared of inside myself and i don't have the courage or the will to keep going. i ordered this tarot card deck which i rarely do because i'm very picky when it comes to decks and it finally arrived yesterday. besides my favorite deck "the black tarot" by victoria iva i believe this new deck "a wee star in the forest of precious twigs" by tricia murray is the most beautiful deck i've ever seen with outstanding artwork and messages.

i found out that the reason my head is so empty is because of the overly strong sedative medication that i'm on. it gives me headaches when i think. i'm on too many and the ones that i'm on are extremely strong with severe long term and short term side effects. it sucked not knowing what was wrong with me. i'm constantly hungry so i've gained 40 pounds in the span of 3 months along with many other side effects too.

it' taken me so long to finish this post. it feels like i've been battling the waves of the ocean, being taken under unable to breathe with the force of the water pulling and pushing me. i lost the will to do anything i love doing, i can barely even take care of myself nowadays. but today feels different. i feel the silver lining shining through with motivation to clean up house. i made this new profile on the new myspace called space hey. it's a website online where you can change your profile browser and add cool niche gadgets and you can blog and create bulletin boards with friends. it's pretty cool i don't have many friends on there so if anyone sees this and wants to add me that would be amazing. my name on space hey is "melee baby". years ago my friends gave me the nickname melee because i was super good at using melee weapons in video games and i collect knives and swords and other do-dads. there's another reason but it's not as important.

arcane season 2 came out and it was so good i had to watch it two times over and i even dyed my hair blue again! after watching season one years ago i felt so connected to jinx that i dyed my hair blue for the first time. it was only right to double back for season 2! if you are reading this i implore you to give the show Arcane a chance on netflix.

Thanks for listening!